This isn’t really in Story form, but it is what I just wrote based on my life the last 4 months.
“It was good” that my daughter was Stillborn
There are many limitations that having a baby puts on mothers and fathers in life. The ability to pack up and leave to go somewhere takes longer. Sleep is less likely to happen. The likelihood of getting soiled while changing a diaper, or thrown up on when sick is far greater than a chance to go out with Friends and enjoy a whole movie without interruption. Having a baby is hard, its dirty, it’s selfless and painful physically and emotionally.
It is also, beautiful, captivating, a blessing, a miracle, and one of the best things that could happen in the world. Having a child smile at you fills your heart with a love that is so deep you didn’t even know you could love like that. The happiness, joy and laughter they bring is nothing short of astonishing. Most moms’ including me, will tell you that the joy and love of having a child brings far outweighs the downsides of having a baby. The pain, sleeplessness, and massive amount of bags to carry is all temporary. It is a temporary struggle, but the life of that child, the smiles and laughter will last forever. With knowing myself how much of a blessing children are, I can honestly say that losing a child, having to pick a burial plot, choosing a casket is my worst nightmare. It WAS my biggest fear, something I couldn’t fathom, and yet I did it. I gave birth to my daughter who was already living with Jesus on April 14th, 2016. I got to hold her lifeless body. My husband and I picked out her beautiful white casket and committed her body back to the ground on April 18th, 2016. The tears I have shed over the last 4 ½ months have been in large quantities. However, after losing my daughter, I can say “it was good”.
Don’t get me wrong, I would love to be up every night feeding Rachel. I would love to rock her to sleep and sing her “Jesus Loves Me”. I would be patiently waiting for that first smile, first giggle, and first word. My heart would leap for joy when she started to roll over, or sat up. She would be my little girl. But, God had other plans. She would be HIS little girl, and get to go live with him in paradise, Oh, how I am jealous of my little girl! To be with the maker of the Heavens and the Earth, who existed before there was light. “In the beginning, God created the havens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And God said, “Let there be light.” And there was light. And God saw that the light was good”. Genesis 1:1-2. Did you grasp what the verse said; He created the heavens and the Earth, and The spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. He existed before everything else. Just imagine that for a moment, I picture it with a comfy warm blanket wrapped all around me. That was GOD in the universe. Then he created light, and saw that “IT WAS GOOD”. Over the rest of the chapter GOD created the stars, sea, animals, birds and plants he created everything and he proclaimed “It was good”. I feel this way with losing Rachel. I feel like I was wrapped in the comfy blanket all warm and cozy and God created Light to my darkness of the blanket over me. I knew he was there before, hovering over me but the light. God’s light opened my world up, and “it was good”. Him taking Rachel to be with him was his way of creating light in my world.
God is the master planner, and master of the universe, His plan is divine and good. The grace and peace that has been given to me is only accredited to God. He has walked with me, wept with me, and he has given me astonishing assurance that He has Rachel in his arms, and that I am His child as well. “For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break froth into singing and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands”. Isaiah 55:9. I can say I have Joy and Peace from God, He has called me to use Rachel to build my relationship and faith in him. He has called me to use Rachel to grow the astounding love I have for my Husband and family. God had called me to USE the loss of my daughter for HIS greater Good. I can honestly say GOD is using Rachel’s short life through me. I don’t know the answer on how yet, and I don’t need to know. I feel he has called me to write this and share it. I feel he has called me to speak about it, but I don’t know how that will happen yet, but my faith is in HIM. This has been on my heart lately to write this, to say out loud “it was good” to lose my daughter, but I was procrastinating, I was unsure about how it would be perceived. I was worried I couldn’t, and then on Sunday our Sermon was on Mark 7:31-37 and verse 37 stuck with me hard. “But the more he charged them, the more zealously they proclaimed it. And they were astonished beyond measure, saying “He has done all things well. He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak”. I am the mute speaking here, AND he does all things well, he has taken my daughter to be home with him, and it is well with my soul. I have peace, and so much more love than ever before. God can heal all things, physical and emotional.
If I meet you on the street; I will probably proclaim that I love you! Why? Because you are a child of God, my fellow brother and sister and GOD loves you too, so I will love you with all my heart. God can and will heal any hurt, pain that you have. Just rely on him in the good times and the bad. Thank God for you blessings, and Thank him for your sufferings they are for a reason, use them and you will be blessed. “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD.” Job 1.